How to Find a Great Therapist
Top Tips from a Relationship Therapist!
Michaela Murphy PGDip MBACP
The other day a friend asked if I could recommend a good counsellor for a family member (ethically therapists can’t work with people they know personally). My go-to referrals were fully booked so I wrote my friend an email sharing some tips of how they could go about finding a good one. I realised it could be useful to share these tips more widely as there may be lots of other people out there who are unsure of where to begin looking.
When it comes to seeking therapy, thankfully the UK is starting to make great progress in normalising and destigmatising seeking therapeutic support.
Good therapy helps us get to know ourselves on a deep level, to understand who or what is in the ‘driving seat’ of our actions, behaviours, thoughts and beliefs. We may be unconsciously influenced by our past experiences or continuing to use maladapted coping strategies developed when we were young. Once the ‘driver’ is revealed we get to make an informed choice about whether we want them at the helm and can set about making changes!
But where to begin finding that great someone to work with? According to Statista, in 2023 there were 289,000 therapists in the UK - how can you narrow that down to find the person you will sit down with each week, share everything that’s on your heart and mind, and trust you’ll get a transformative experience?
As a relationship therapist myself, I’m sharing my top tips for finding the right therapist for you. I’ve run my Relationship Therapy practice for the past 11 years and have met with hundreds of clients who’ve had a whole variety of therapy experiences, prior to us meeting, from the unhelpful…to life-changing. I believe everyone deserves a professional, trusting, empathic and dynamic therapy experience.
Research tells us that one of the primary factors over whether therapy is effective or not is a good therapist / client 'fit', so it’s really important you take your time researching.
8 top tips for finding A GREAT THERAPIST
1 – ONLY USE RELIABLE LISTINGS
Here are four really good directories that list qualified and verified therapists, there are others but this is a good place to start:
By utilising the 'advanced search' function you can narrow down the search by your specific criteria eg. face to face, online or telephone counselling, geographical location, area of focus (i.e. bereavement, anxiety, relationships, addiction etc), session cost, you can also search by a therapist’s gender if you have a preference.
2 – LISTEN TO YOUR GUT
Now you have created a more bespoke list of therapists who match your criteria, it’s time to have a good read of some profiles and also pay attention to their picture. Does it look professional and like it has been chosen with care or does it look like a holiday snap taken on a night out with a rum and coke cropped out (yup, I have seen this!)
When reading through profiles, notice whether their words resonate / feel exciting / inspiring / reassuring / do they speak directly to the issues you’d like to explore? Or are there parts that are off-putting? Notice in your body and nervous system how you are responding to what they’ve written, and create a short list of the ones that you are drawn to.
3 – SPECIALISED TRAINING
If there is a specific issue you want to explore (relationship challenges, bereavement, addiction etc), I'd recommend looking to see if the therapist has a relevant professional qualification in that specific field or has lots of CPD (continuing professional development) in that area. A 6hr workshop, whilst practice-enriching, does not an expert make! Or they may have worked in your required field in an agency setting. Look to see if they have a specialism in the areas you want to work on.
In my case I have a professional qualification in Relationship Therapy and as it is the sole focus of my practice I have built up a huge amount of experience in this niche area. Where a more generalised counsellor may say they work with couples, check to see they have undergone a proper training; the dynamic of working with two people in the room is very different to working with one client and I would always recommend working someone professionally trained to work in that area.
4 – EVERY BOX TICKED
In the course a therapist’s career we will have discussed pretty much every topic imaginable but that doesn't mean we are experts in all these subjects, of course we’re not! While our clients must feel free to talk about whatever they want, I have concerns when therapists tick every box in the list of areas they work with, as it suggests a level of expertise that may not be there beyond us being trained to hold whatever the client brings. Again, double check specific qualifications and experience. It’s part of ethical practice for us to be as transparent as we can with our clients as they may not be well-versed in reading between the lines of therapy-speak.
5 – VISIT THEIR WEBSITE
Most counsellors / therapists will have a website, and this offers a greater insight into how they work, their areas of specialism, and gives you a better sense of their general ‘vibe’.
You could ask yourself:
Does the website look professional?
Is it clear and easy to navigate?
Do they outline how they work / theory bases (eg psychodynamic, systemic, Gestalt, Person Centred)and what that means?
Have they listed their qualifications?
Are their fees easily found?
Do they outline their terms and conditions of working together?
Are there client testimonials you could read through?
Do you like their overall tone?
5 – MAKING CONTACT
You might feel a really clear ‘yes!’ to one counsellor’s profile (or website) which is great, or there may be a few who look interesting. Your next step is to enquire about their availability and book an initial meeting; some counsellors offer free phone calls or even free initial sessions.
I always send out my ‘Counselling Contract’ for a prospective client to read through, as I want them to know from the very start the expectations and commitment required from them (and offered by me), for us to work really well together.
If this isn't readily offered, you can ask your chosen counsellor to outline their terms and conditions before you meet.
6 – HOW CAN YOU AID THE PROCESS?
Some therapists (myself included) may have a contact form for you to fill in which will ask you the questions we need answered at this stage. It's always helpful if you can outline a little bit about the issues you’d like to discuss, if you feel comfortable to do so, just so we can be sure we’re best placed to help you.
It also really saves time if you can let us know when you could be available for weekly sessions i.e. if you can only do Tuesday evenings it will save us both time to make that clear straight away, otherwise you could waste time back and forth-ing with a counsellor who doesn’t even work evenings!
7 – FIRST CALL / MEETING
You’re bound to be a little (or a lot) nervous. Asking for help makes us feel vulnerable, you may be feeling distressed, anxious, carrying shame, fear but the right counsellor should be able to put you at ease very quickly.
I can't stress enough the importance of honouring how you feel in your body when speaking with your prospective new counsellor. Notice how they communicate with you from the start – are they organised and clear with any instructions? How do you feel when you speak to them? Really notice if you feel safe, put at ease, feel you could be open, do they contribute plenty to the meeting, do you leave feeling a little more hopeful or calmer than when you went in?
I always try to make sure clients leave the first session with some useful nuggets of information relevant to their situation, and with a clear idea of what working together would look like.
After the meeting, I really want to emphasise that if it doesn’t feel like quite the right fit you can choose not to work with together, and book another initial meeting / call with the next counsellor on your list. There’s a relationship therapy saying: ‘if it’s not right for one, it’s right for none’ and this is the case with the therapeutic relationship, I’m going to do my best work with clients who really want to work with me.
It's absolutely right to shop around until you find a good fit. I always give new clients 24hrs to go away and think about / discuss whether it feels like a good fit for them, that way there’s no awkward moment at the end of an initial consultation where I ask if they’d like to go ahead! A decision to enter into a piece of counselling work shouldn’t feel pressured in the moment.
In the past I made the mistake of being so grateful just to find a therapist with availability to see me, I stuck with them even though it was not a good fit! It was only through training to be a therapist I realised the importance of taking the time to find someone you like and that it’s okay to try out more than one before deciding!
8 – YOUR COMMITMENT
It’s likely you will contract to meet weekly for 50 or 60 minutes, although in my case I also offer Intensive 3hr blocks which are more ad hoc. Whatever the frequency, you will need to be ready to prioritise the work in order to make the most out of your therapy. It’s a significant commitment of your time, finances and emotional energy and you will get the best results if you’re fully engaged and prepared to honour the work as much as your newly found, excellent therapist is!
Here are some questions I ask on my website to help a new client feel into their readiness to begin a piece of work together:
Are you open to considering fresh perspectives and discovering new relationship tools?
Are you prepared to take responsibility for the part you play in co-creating your relationship dynamics?
Does the idea of experiencing open-hearted communication feel exciting, even if a little daunting?
Are you aware that actioning change is a necessity in transforming your current situation?
Are you ready to prioritise our work together and commit to it in your schedule?
There is no getting around the fact that in order to alleviate the difficulties you’re experiencing you’ll have to identify and implement useful changes, but we often feel resistant to change as it can feel uncomfortable.
This useful diagram by Prochaska & DiClemente helps us plot our readiness for change and explains the challenges of maintaining change:
This diagram shows us the pattern of change and relapse but where we achieve a place of sustained change (maintenance) we may exit the cycle completely at that point.
I hope the above helps you feel more confident in looking for a great therapist, good therapy is a wonderful thing, and if I can be of help to you in your counselling journey please don’t hesitate to get in touch, I’d love to hear from you.