36 Questions to Get Closer

Psychologist Arthur Aron and his team devised an experiment to see if it’s possible to foster increased closeness between two people.

He and his team created a list of 36 questions to be asked and answered by two participants, not previously known to each other.

The carefully designed questions invite the sharing of emotional vulnerability which in turn increases the felt sense of emotional intimacy, as the pair work through the questions together. The research team also ran a control experiment where other pairs were given a list of 36 benign ‘small talk’ questions. The results showed the control group reported significantly lower levels of closeness to their partner than those who worked through the questions designed to increase closeness so it was not just the act of a pair spending time talking together that increased the feelings of closeness.

Without getting too bogged down in the scientific detail, I love this list of questions and have recommended it as a task to a number of my clients and received positive feedback.

If you would like to give this a try with your partner, a friend or a family member here are the instructions and the questions (there’s also a PDF at the bottom for ease of printing):

INSTRUCTIONS

(Please read carefully before continuing)

This is an exercise about interpersonal closeness, and your task, which should be enjoyable, is simply to get closer to your partner as you work through the questions and tasks together.

Below are three sets of questions / tasks. You should begin with Set I. One of you should read aloud the first question / task and then BOTH do what it asks, starting with the person who read the strip aloud answering first . When you are both done, go on to the next question / task in the set.

Go through the questions, one at a time, and please don’t skip any, and do each in order. If you ask a question, share your answer with your partner, then let them share their answer to the same question with you. Alternate who reads aloud (and thus goes first) with each new question.

The exercise should take you about 45 minutes (allowing 15 minutes for each set of questions). You may like to set a 15 minute timer for each set of questions but if you have more time you can extend the timings for each set but it is important you answer at least some questions from each of the three sets.

In order for you both to get the most from the exercise, it’s key you are both discovering the questions for the first time so if you are the person printing off the questions, don’t look through them until you’re both together and ready to go through them (in other words…no peeking!)

If you would like to measure the outcome of this task I invite you to (perhaps privately) rate your current level of closeness to the other person on a scale of 0-10 with 0 being the least close and 10 being as close as you’d love to feel, and, using the same scale rate your sense of closeness at the end.

Okay so you’re ready to begin - start at Set 1 Question 1 and work your way through…

Set I

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

Set II

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

17. What is your most treasured memory?

18. What is your most terrible memory?

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

20. What does friendship mean to you?

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

Set III

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling ... “

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... “

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

29. Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

Remember to rate your level of closeness at the end if you did so at the beginning using your 0-10 scale.

If you would like to work with me as a couple or an individual please don’t hesitate to get in touch,

I’d love to hear from you.