GOLDEN BOUNDARIES

The topic of personal boundaries features heavily in my counselling work. Those of my generation and older were not really taught, as children, the importance of setting boundaries; thankfully in schools today children are given the language and tools to understand and speak about boundaries, in particular around their bodies.

As part of my role as a counsellor I have had to develop a clear set of boundaries around how clients and I work together, and these are communicated clearly from the start. They serve to keep the work professional, safe and contained but can also be triggering for some clients, so discussion around this can be a useful part of our work together. Being honest several of my terms and conditions have been introduced in response to my most ‘boundary-pushing’ clients! They are few and far between thankfully but lessons have been learned over my many years in practice.

In terms of what defines a boundary, I offer up this simple description: ‘a boundary is the line between this is okay with me and this is not okay with me’. The specifics of what this looks like is deeply personal to the individual; what might be fine with one person may not be okay with another.

I believe the onus is on each of us to learn to be courageous and explicit about where these lines are, the naturally respectful person will receive this information graciously, whilst those that persistently transgress end up rather helpfully holding up their own red flag. As the saying goes ‘when someone shows you who they are, believe them!’

Brigit Anna McNeill offered up this more expansive description of personal boundaries, some years ago and it has stayed with me:

I lay down my boundaries in love and respect to myself, to protect myself; like golden arms around me. I do not lay them down to offend you. But it is interesting how the edge of my boundaries can show me where your respect for me ends.

If someone’s boundaries seem silly to you, know that it can take guts and courage to make them, and sometimes a soul is so beaten and fragile that the laying of these lines has taken a huge effort, and a journey across dessert sands to find them. Do no try and cross them with force of stupidity, or with the excuse that although you heard them you didn’t deem them important to you. They are sacred golden lines that enable a person to feel safe.

Do not be offended, it isn’t about you, it’s about self love and care. Instead of offence how about choosing celebration that someone has found self respect in a society that doesn’t often teach it.

I love how she describes boundaries as ‘golden arms’. This conveys a precious, protective quality to them. When we’re unskilled in boundary-setting, we fear that by being clear about where our own lines lay we may be rejected or are ourselves trying to manipulate the other, bend them to our will. In fact, it’s not about demanding the other to change, it’s about being clear about the self-protective action you will take should they continue to violate your boundaries. You can state your needs in a loving way and invite the other to respect your wishes, but if they choose not to (notice it’s a choice), the resulting action may be you withdraw from the relationship or limit time with them, or no longer enter into contentious discussions and so on.

Setting boundaries isn’t easy, especially at the start, boundary pushers definitely don’t like it when we stop letting them trample over us, but it is far easier to police our own boundaries than it is to rely on the other to modify their behaviour. Honouring our own boundaries puts us back in the driving seat of our self-care.

In summary:

• Make sure you’re clear on what your boundaries are. Take some time to think about what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationships, and don’t be afraid to communicate those boundaries to others.

• Practice saying “no”. Knowing your own limits and sticking to them is an important part of setting and maintaining healthy boundaries. If it’s not a full-bodied ‘YES!’ it may have to be a ‘no’ and that is okay!

• If you need to set a boundary, be honest and direct about it, the sooner the better. Most people appreciate knowing where they stand. If you don’t respect your own boundaries by making them explicit, how can the other know when they have crossed the line.

• Take care of yourself. Setting personal boundaries isn’t always easy, so make sure you seek out the company of people who respect your needs and value you for being your true self.

If you need help with setting personal boundaries do get in touch, I’ve helped lots of clients make life-changing changes in this area.