Commonly, at the beginning of a new piece of couple work, I find myself talking to my clients about pace.

Not always, but often, clients hang on until they are at breaking point before seeking some professional help, and this brings a tremendous sense of urgency to our early sessions.

The hurt, discomfort, frustration they have been living with, sometimes for years, has become unbearable and the desire for a quick fix to stop the pain is palpable. The problem is, just as it took time to get them to this point, we too need time to start working some magic, and this is where setting expectations around pace is key.

The Oxford Dictionary has a variety of definitions for the word 'pace' but the one I find most interesting is:

Pace: a unit of length representing the distance between two successive steps in walking

We often think of pace as being a measure of action, 'he set a fast pace', 'she decided to pace herself'.   Fast or slow, in our mind's eye we tend to see the momentum of pace, but here we are invited to look at it as a measure of the space between the action. 

I was taught at art college, when drawing, to look at the 'negative space' between two objects, as well as at the objects themselves.  Although counter-intuitive, paying attention to the abstract shape between, allows the subjects to emerge more accurately on the page than if our sole focus were on observing only the subjects themselves. My focus as a relationship counsellor is often on the relationship between the couple, the couple dynamic, that which has been co-created.

Paying attention to pace creates a place where the vital interplay between action and quietude sits. To quote Debussy, "The music is not in the notes, but in the silence between them". If music was all notes and no pauses (or all pause and no notes) it wouldn't be beautiful, if running was a fast shuffle, with our feet never leaving the ground, it would lack speed and grace, and if the artist neglects to attend to the space between, she fails to fully convey the relationship between the objects.  One informs the other and when the balance is right…art happens.

In order to restore calm to a couple in distress they need to meet in the place that sits between fighting and withdrawing, this is a place of spaciousness, receptivity, open-heartedness. Operating from here allows the nervous system of the relationship to shift from highly activated (or shut down) into a middle ground of calm. Once here, the healing work can really begin.

I often explain to my couples that one way they can reach this place of receptivity and calm is to slow communication down. It’s as if we were watching the ‘film of them’ frame by frame and, initially, I am the one in charge of the TV remote.

As clients share examples of their struggles, or start to lose their cool in the session, I will press pause, even perhaps when a client is mid-sentence, and together we tab backwards and forwards a frame at a time. Slowing down in this way creates space for curiosity; through questions and reflections I show them ‘I’m interested in you, I’m curious to understand your full experience’. I want my clients to see what happens when we talk in this way, and feel confident they too can create a similar pace with one another outside of the therapeutic space.

I might stop the conversation and ask:

‘Sarah, what’s happening for you right now? What’s your body / heart rate doing?’

or

‘When Jim said X it looked like you flinched…what story did you attach to what he just said?’

‘Jim, was that how you intended your words to land? Can you help us understand what your intention was?’

Through being curious we start to bring in more accurate information to the system, this in turn leads to increased understanding, empathy and compassion between the couple which in turn leads to healing.

Without accurate information we can find ourselves reacting to something we’ve misunderstood, and the argument spirals from that point of miscommunication.

You don’t need to be in a therapy session to adjust the pace of communications in your relationship. During a moment of calm agree together that you will endeavour to slow things down if they start to get heated. Commit to taking a breath before you react, and check you’ve understood your partner’s intention, understood the meaning they attribute to the words they’ve spoken. This small change alone can transform your communication style as a couple, but it takes practice, so if you’d like some help to get you started, don’t hesitate to get in touch.